i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
