Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
