I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
