i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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