I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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