Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
