Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
