Plan B is the new Plan A
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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