dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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