Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
