I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
