Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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