i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
