I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
