You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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