I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
