I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
