My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
