just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
