God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
