Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
