Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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