My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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