my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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