Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
