I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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