It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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