It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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