i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
