I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
