Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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