I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
