you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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