Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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