She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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