Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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