That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
