why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
