sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
