She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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