the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
