I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
