I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
