ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
