Will you blow on my dice?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
