You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
