I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
