He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
