I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
