The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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