Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I think I just sharted jello shots
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
