Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
