Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
