if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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