im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
