I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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