He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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