Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize