haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
