my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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