I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
