If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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