I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i love accidental penises.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
